TW: I thought it would be best to start this text off with a trigger warning to alert people that don’t appreciate honesty. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE BRUTAL HONESY.
This is an honest text of what has been and continues being pregnancy for me – and I truly hope that I will not have to read annoying little comments about people that romanticizing pregnancy. The kind that read “but it’s a good kind of pain, right?” – No. Good pain does not exist darling. Not even sex pain is good.
Being pregnant has been and continues being:
– Throwing up every morning for 5 months straight.
– Throwing up in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. I don’t understand why they call it morning sickness if it lasts the whole day.
– After the 5 months of continuous vomiting, you continue vomiting, but not every day.
– Wanting to eat everything you don’t have at home, and everything you have at home starts leaving you feeling sick and you start annoying your husband.
– Being hungry but unable to eat or able eat but throwing up straight away.
– Wanting to take a shit and not be able to (that’s the most fucked up part).
– Wanting to pee and not be able to because you want to take a shit and can’t either, so you tense up and can’t pee either.
– Putting your foot out the door and feeling the need to pee, so sometimes you pee in your pants a little.
– Feeling pains that almost make you faint and what you want to share those pains with someone you get an annoying comment saying that the pain is good, and then you just want to hit their head on the pavement.
– Not being able to leave the house, not even to take a little walk around the block because of the pain in your ovaries, especially the right one. I walked and it felt like they were loose inside of me, I looked like the hunchback when I walked down the road.
– Crying every day (the reason didn’t matter), and you get really sad, and then people judge you because they thing you should be so happy because you’re about to have a child. c
– Laughing too… Sometimes when you’re crying, you cry even more. Well, at least for me. I cry a lot.
– Becoming dumb. LITERALLY. I was fluent in three languages (Portuguese, English and Spanish) and today I can’t even speak baby language. Communicating has become the hardest thing (you must’ve notices through this text).
– Getting absolutely confused, and sometimes find yourself crying again for being confused and thinking “what am I going to do with my baby?” Then you cry a little more because you don’t think you’ll make it.
– Even when you’re surrounded by people, feeling so alone. The most alone I’ve ever felt. Pregnancy is so lonely.
– Loneliness. Especially when you want to talk about what you feel, if feels like nobody understands, and when you say something of the sort “it’s not a good kind o pain, it really fucking hurts” people look at you thinking that you must hate your baby. It’s so fucked up.
– Hearing people that have never been pregnant criticizing me or giving me their opinions like those stupid Facebook articles. Or comparing other kinds of pain to the ones I had during pregnancy. A friend of mine once compared being cold to the pain of being pregnant. Until today that comparison makes no sense, and it really annoyed me.
– Getting annoyed is something that happens frequently too, and you get annoyed at everyone. It’s like never ending PMS.
– Dropping EVERYTHING on the floor, and finding out you have an amazing talent at picking up objects of the floor with your feet.
– Not being able to play guitar because your belly is too big and gets in the way.
– Not seeing your feet, or your vagina.
– Living hairy down there because you can’t get waxed and shaving down there is too hard. (Nothing against women who chose to be hairy, I actually thank feminists for having fought for the liberty of our hairs that I’ve even left the house with hairy legs and wearing a skirt. Either way, I love being able to wax, but it is freeing to be able to be hairy, especially during the winter in Dublin).
– Asking for my husband to clip my toe nails.
– Having difficulties in putting tights on, trousers, shoes, socks… I feel like a child.
– Feeling totally unsexy and weird.
– Having the expectation of enjoying the perks of being pregnant, like always getting a seat on the bus. But people don’t seem to give a shit, then you get angry and ask someone to get up so that you can sit down.
– Being hot and cold at the same time.
– Being judged even by the nurses at the hospital, just because you asked about cesarean, and they say “but what type of woman would want a cesarean!?” (I live in Ireland and here they don’t like cesarean surgery, they think you’re weak if you chose to have one).
– Did I tell you I pee my pants?
– Having to pee in a pot for an exam, but how are you supposed to aim if you can’t even see your vagina!?
– Having pains in your ass, your back, your legs, even in your left ear (the side depends in which position you sleep)
– It’s not being able to sleep. Everyone keeps saying “take the time to sleep before she’s born” WHAT!? I wake up every hour with my bladder about to explode, I can’t even sleep until late anymore because my body aches with the little options of sleeping positions I have. Taking advantage how? I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep anymore. What even is sleep?
Anyway, I know that many people will be shocked, but I couldn’t care less. I’ve never seen a woman being completely honest about pregnancy, because society judges you and romanticizes pregnant woman as a marvelous and celestial being, that even they become scared of expressing what they really feel during pregnancy.
I wait to have my daughter in my arms, love her, take care of her, kiss her, bite her little sausage feet. But I’m not going to lie and say that pregnancy is an amazing experience because it isn’t. For me it sums up in pain, discomfort, and the part about the kicking isn’t fun either. Especially after the baby is bigger and thinks it can dance ballet and somersault inside you like it’s not a big deal. Margo my dear, go work at a circus.
So this text/reflection is actually a REQUEST, for you to stop judging. EACH WOMAN IS UNIQUE! EACH BODY IS UNIQUE!
If you didn’t feel pain, and love the baby’s kicking… cool! I’m happy for you… but give the woman that feels pain that ugly stare. If you’ve never been pregnant, especially, don’t give me your opinions, because you have no idea what it feels like. Society needs to learn to respect that.
Kisses and don’t come at me with romanticised phrases, for the love of god I can’t handle hitting any more faces on the pavement of my imagination.
My name is Maria Nolan and I am pregnant of 35 weeks with a girl who will be called Margo. I love sarcasm, jokes, reflective texts and every day I love feminism a little more. I still need to deconstruct a few aspects, but I read and discuss a little more about it every day. I like Red Hot Chilly Peppers, writing about diverse topics and astrology. I’m taurus with ascendant in Aries… very difficult to deal with. I’m stubborn jealous and possessive. My heart though, is huge and is always open to help, care for and and love anyone.
See more of Maria’s work in her blog: www.mariamaedamargo.wordpress.com